Disappointment/ loved a million little ways

Swazi was a whole time for me. I honestly don’t remember a lot of it and I feel like it didn’t make as big an impact in my life as other months, probably cause I spent the whole time sick in bed and missed a lot.

One thing that made a big impact though was the stars( incredibly typical of me, it’s almost always the stars). I had been struggling with disappointment for a while. I know, I was on the world race, something I had wanted for a while and yet I was disappointed. It wasn’t even with anything specific, it was just general disappointment. I realized I lived most of my life disappointed. Again, not for any reason in particular. I was talking to God about it at the end of South Africa debrief and He showed me me walking up a mountain. I was thrilled when I got to the top, but everything below was covered in a cloud. The cloud was disappointment. He said the way to dissipate disappointment is gratitude. Not just thanking Him for giving you things, but right sizing who you are in comparison to God and being grateful for all the little things. 

In Eswatini( in between all my clinic visits and being ill) I was watching the stars one night. The exercise was for us to think about a time when God first revealed His love to you. Given my testimony I assumed when I asked He would bring up when He saved me from my suicide attempt, or healed me of my eating disorder. Instead He showed me the summer before when I would pull over and just watch the stars and talk to Him while watching them. And then He showed me all the times on the race I had gone out to sit under the stars when I needed to talk to Him or be comforted by Him. He asked me what purpose the stars serve? Why did He have to create them? He didn’t. He created tons of little things just for our enjoyment. He knew I loved stars so He had given me opportunities to see some crazy stars around the world. Just one of the million little ways He was loving me that I was missing. 

I connected the two things and started to realize if I’m going to live in gratitude, I have to recognize the million little ways He is loving me. Sometimes it’s creation, sometimes it’s people, always it’s Him showing up and being kind.